Men With Elaborately Groomed Facial Hair are Dicks

The title says it all. By elaborately groomed facial hair, I include the following: Handlebar mustaches, those bushy-walrus-style things that look like they probably smell like the last meal the wearer ate; mustaches with waxed tips (yes, there are people who still wax the tips of their mustaches, and usually these are the biggest dicks of all); those Admiral-Hornblower combo sideburns-and mustachio deals (for a while rednecks seemed to like these); those prissy beards with the pencil-thin jawlines; goatees with that forked thing under the lower lip (looking good there Mephistopheles, what's the going rate for a human soul these days?)--you know what I mean--anything that takes more than a couple of minutes and the most basic of barbering tools to maintain.

I'm not bellowing about neatly-groomed facial hair. No, this is a sign of good taste and culture. A neatly groomed beard is a very attractive feature. But dig it. A man who spends a lot of time staring at himself while fiddling with his follicles is beyond argument a DICK. He is a narcissist and an arrogant poseur. Don't even try to argue this point; it's irrefutable, self-evident and you can't even provide one exception. This isn't the seventeenth century Lord Huffington; those styles went out long ago and strutting around with waxed tips and curled mustachios is an affectation that says to the world: "Hey everyone: I'm needy. Look at me. I am a Dick."

Now add to this equation a funny hat, like a beret or derby (and oh, so many do), and you have a Double Dick. If you see this combination, do me a favor: pick up a brick and hurl it with a strong, overhand stroke and the surefire aim of a marksman. Or text me, give me GPS coordinates, and I'll hie me to the spot and do it myself. You see, I'm on a sacred mission.

If this makes your shoes pinch, sorry, and why are you wearing tight shoes anyway, along with your funny hat and elaborately- groomed van Dyke? Are you a TRIPLE-Dick? Now your panties are in a wad. HAH! So you wear panties too. Panties, tight shoes, funny hat, and you spend all your time preening in front of a mirror. You are LOST.

Next week: People who wear brightly-colored vests, ties with cartoon characters, and suspenders with buttons. The Judgment continues.