Yesterdays

Yesterday I didn't have a brain in my head. My teacher had errands to run, so Fate smiled upon me and I didn't have to go to my lesson, where nothing would have seeped into my buzzing haid. My lesson was rescheduled for today, and I feel slightly more focused and a bit less exhausted.

I think my three-times a week exercise program takes something out of me. I'm not sure why. I can't be that out of shape, so I wonder if this lack of oomph isn't allergies and heat taking their toll. I was told it might take a year before I saw dramatic improvement from my allergy immunotherapy. But I am better than last year, when I couldn't breathe. But I do wonder why I tire so easily. My annual check-up didn't reveal anything amiss, although the doc said I need to lose weight: hence the resumption of my exercise program even though I don't feel like it.

Most mornings I wake up sore, tired, and experiencing a malaise similar to how I remember a hangover feels. It takes a couple cups of coffee and about two hours before I feel human again. So every day I try to shake off whatever-this-is and take care of myself. I've cut my food intake back a bit, and increased my activity level, so maybe it will just take a while to adjust.

I've also weaned myself off two medications intended to make me feel better. One of these I had been on for eight years; the other six or so. I actually feel better--more alert--off the meds, although I'm not sure anyone can be objective about their own life. A couple of friends have asked me if I'm all right, but other than being tired I think my spirits are good.

I practice my piano obsessively, sometimes until the tendons of my hands and arms are achy, and I'm making progress but still wish I could learn faster, or that I had started lessons ten years ago. I think my dissatisfaction arises from not having anyone with whom to compare notes. I compare myself with myself, and the way music sounds in my head is perfect and easy. The way I play it though, falls far from the ideal. Yet when I make even a little progress I rejoice. I'm closer.

In a world as crappy as this, any reason to rejoice is a good one.