Doc Dabble

Back when I used to (literally) take matters into my own hands (circa 1985 or so) there was a redneck sleaze magician whom we will call Doc Dabbel, now long deceased, and entertaining denizens in Hell, of a heart attack brought on by booze, pork products, and being an overall obese, oleaginous tub of rancid feces. He appeared at the local Magic Club and performed an initiation performance that was word-for-word David Copperfield's Bandana/banana trick, followed by Johnny Ace Palmer's Cups and Balls. I was the Program Chairman AND Sgt at Arms at the time. I took the Vote. I recommended we not accept someone who stole wholesale other people's act. The IBM Ring, whose members for the most part did exactly the same thing, disagreed and voted him in. Never one to suppress my feelings, I expressed my disappointment in the membership, but accepted the ruling.

The members at the time met after meetings in this Choke-and Puke called Jerry's Restaurant, although calling it a "Restaurant" is like calling Woody Woodpecker a "carpenter." So therewithin we assembled. "Doc," already considering himself not only one of us but already vying for position of leader, joined us. A large, loud, arrogant piece of work, you just knew he was used to bullying people and never heard the word "No." I instantly developed an intense dislike for him.

After we were seated, orders taken, and plates of charred mysterious viands of questionable origins placed before us by a waitress with a large Band-Aid on her neck--and of course Doc made suggestive and what he thought were witty comments to the waitress, who looked at him like he was something nasty she had stepped in--I asked him if he ever performed any original material or if everything in his act was STOLEN from other performers. My friend muttered, "Be tactful Riggs." He might as well have admonished the ketchup bottle to cease flaunting its unabashed redness.

Doc, full of himself, said, "No, if I see something I like, it goes right in my show. Why not? In fact John, if I saw something in your act, I'll put it in my show." You see, he was trying to establish dominance. He was also shoving a steak and fries in his mouth as fast as he could. It was like watching Jabba the Hut feed. I laid my hand on his and said, "You would?

He said "Yeah why not?"

"You'll steal from me? You don't think it's wrong to steal my lines and tricks?"

"Well, even if it is, what could you do? If I like it I'll use it."

I squeezed his hand and said "Well because if you stole anything from me redneck, I'll F*ing kill you."

He tried to pull his hand away and couldn't, I squeezed harder, and he grunted, "Let go." I said, "You just said basically you could break into my house, steal from me and there's nothing I could do about it. I'm telling you if you steal from me I'll ruin you."

He said, "It's just a magic trick. Let go of me."

I squeezed until there were knuckle-cracking sounds and said, "Let me make this clear Doc. If I catch you using any line, joke or trick of mine, I'll kick your ass so bad you won't be performing anything for a year. Are we clear?"

Throughout this whole exchange about five magicians watched in total silence, but a couple of unconscionable scoundrels were trying not to laugh out loud. My friend gave up on me as a lost cause. Doc realized nobody was going to take his side, he saw I was serious and if there was an alpha dog in the scrapyard it wasn't him. I was about thirty seconds away from breaking his wrist and he knew it. My temper in those days was not as well-managed as it is today and he had pissed me off. As I recall, and this was a long time ago, he said "You must be F*ing crazy," and I said "Oh yes, I am, but you're not going to ever steal from me."

I escorted Doc to the door and pushed him out, Doc bellowing about suing us all for insult, personal injury, slander, defamation of character, bigamy, and reckless endangerment. I said, "See you next month, and try to show us something original."

I returned to my cheeseburger, peace in my heart and soul, the satisfaction of a job well done, with a deep-seated sense of order returned to the universe and balance restored to all things. The president of the Ring said, "John that was unnecessary," and I responded "No, he was unnecessary. If you hadn't voted him in to begin with I wouldn't have had to bounce him." And one of the other guys said, "Aw, I was hoping Riggs was going to whup his ass." Like I said, some of those guys were uncouth barbarians.

We never saw Doc again, although I did go by one of his shows at a flea market, and although his act was a conglomeration of "borrowed" material, there was nothing of mine.

My friend likes to bring this story up at magic conventions to embarrass me. I thought I would expunge the record of elaborations, exaggerations, legends, slander, and hyperbole by recording here the facts for the first time as they actually happened.