Ten Things White Guys Should NEVER Do

After five decades of observing humanity, I've made what I consider an important series of observations. Here they are.

Ten Things White Guys of Any Age Shouldn't Do

(1) The High Five (I've boycotted this for decades).

(2)Use the word "Bling."

(3) Say "Mah Man."
--Or any variant of "Waz Zup."
--Or "In the House."
--Or "Bro."

(5) Wear a sports jersey with saggy pants and a backwards cap.

(6) Listen to Rap, especially at booming high volumes while driving down the street thinking it makes you look like anything other than an utter asshole.

(7) Say "I have many African-American friends," thinking this will prevent you from getting your ass kicked.

(8) Do that handshake thing where you throw your elbow higher than your shoulder. Especially when accompanied by any variation of Number (3).

(9) Attempt to dance anything other than the Box Step.

(9-A) Oscillate your head when listening to rhythmic music, and for God's sake stop biting your lip.

(10) Drink Malt Liquor; Caucasian metabolism can't metabolize it--we lack the proper enzymes and it will turn us to stone.

I have more, but these are the Top Ten. Happy Holidays!